Pizza Gash

My dog's name is Odie, which started out as O.D. (other dog) because we didn't want to give her a name and become attached to her. We already had two other big (seventy pound) dogs. Our space was fully occupied and our pet budget was stretched. Now, I guess the name stands for "only dog" because we found good homes for the other two, but no one wanted Odie. Odie has some faults like when she totally clawed up the new plantation shutters because she wanted to go to the park with us. She also pees on the floor occasionally, but we don't have a doggy door so maybe that's our fault, but at least she doesn't eat all the paper in the house like Wiggum, or eat all the other dog's poop, like Bella. I didn't mean for this to turn into a scatalogical story, but sometimes you just end up there. Hopefully not too often if you don't want to get hepatitis or shigella. Not that you could get those from a story (I hope).

It's kind of like that story that Jack Paar tried to tell on the Tonight Show, but when they edited it out, he walked off the set. I'm sure that he didn't know he was going there either. How did we get here? When I create my rock band, Pizza Gash, our first song is going to be about a dog named Odie.

Get thee behind me

We have a new reason to hide behind God. "Which God", you ask? The answer is - Any God. - LINK
If we don't want people to hate or distrust us, then we must come up with a belief system that includes a bunch of superstitious mumbo-jumbo. We can use this as an excuse to destroy the rest of the world that doesn't agree with us. I'm proposing one that requires you to play video games all day Sunday. It's an improvement on that "day of rest" thing. Also, if we could figure out a way to use beer in a ceremony, it would attract a lot more members. This would be a gateway ceremony to the higher orders that use wine, then whiskey, crack and finally heroin. If we could tie our banking industry to this new religion we would get some good tax deductions. We could create a new stock exchange down in Texas where people have real ethics and then skim off a percentage for the church. If we only hire laborers and contractors from the new religion, this will eliminate the immigration problem (unless they want to join the church).

Maybe I could be God?

Nobel Peace Prizes

If Henry Kissinger and Mikhail Gorbachev can win the Nobel Peace Prize, then I should be able to get a Pulitzer for the new blog category. Imagine what I could do with that award. I'd be famous. Everyone would read my blog and say, "wow! this guy is odd, but eerily intriguing." You're saying that right now aren't you. No? Well, try starting at the beginning of this post and reading aloud this time. If everyone said that then I would be rich. Or maybe if I were rich I could get everyone to say that. It's one or the other I know.

I heard that someone nominated G.W. Bush for a Nobel Peace Prize and at first I couldn't believe it, but then I found out that anyone can nominate anyone else for the prize. I could nominate you and you could nominate that guy with the bumper sticker that says, "My dog ate your honor student." So I wasn't as shocked after that, but maybe that's how Kissinger got the prize. Maybe they were all sarcastic votes like nominating Hitler or Bono. In 1973, people were pretty acerbic. I was only five and I was full of sarcasm, so imagine how the old cynical farts felt. So let's not let sarcasm create a potential confusion for future historians.

What we need is some kind of anti-peace prize.

Offense...

...it's always a good defense (sometimes the best), but I'm getting tired of the "politically correct" people telling me that I shouldn't say things that irritate people. I made a comment earlier about bringing my new Utopia to Eastern Europe and all of a sudden, everyone's up in arms about offending Jewish people. First of all, there are almost twice as many people living in Iraq (as of this posting) as there are Jewish people in the whole world, so I'm not sure what I should worry about, but I would never advocate the removal of any religion by force. I think mass hypnosis would be much cheaper and cleaner. Granted, my post about Dr. Pogrom and his wife Diaspora was in bad taste (and I've removed it), but please accept my apologies and let me assure you that I will stay away from that subject in the future.

Gooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Nothing ain't worth nothing

Actually nothing is worth something, unless you're saying that there isn't anything that's not worth something. It's probably true that you could sell anything on Ebay. You just have to find the right buyer and get a good advertising strategy. But I think the real message here is that having nothing is not something to aspire to, but in the Buddhist sense when you have nothing, you are beholden to nothing. It's kind of like that package of complimentary peanuts (pretzels now that you're all allergic) you get on Southwest. It ain't worth nothin'...

But it's free.

Volonté de Dieu

As Peter the Hermit said before the start of the first crusade, "Since we're all poor and miserable, let's go take the Holy land from the turks. Everybody hates them and they're not Christian anyway." Of course he was French so it was probably more like:

Puisque nous sommes tous pauvres et malheureux, laissez-nous vont prise la terre sainte des Turcs puisque tout le monde les déteste et ils ne sont pas chrétiens.

but you know what I mean. The point is that in these difficult times, we should try to focus on something important and constructive (one man's construction is another man's destruction - sometimes), and as a congregation we can surely do something extreme. What we need is some kind of crusade. A crux to guide us to become a greater nation. If we could invoke some higher power in this jihad, then it would gain more credence.

First we need a new religion that includes everyone granted they discard their current beliefs. Then after we convert most of the world into this peace-loving, non-judgemental, super-tolerant group of people-patrons, we will rise above all the doubters left who cling to their outdated dogma. This will drive our resolution to purge the world of skeptics, thus creating the new Utopia.

I'm thinking we should start with the Rhineland, Austria, Sudetenland, Czechoslovakia and then invade Poland. We could bring them the Good News.

Positive Post

I'm going to write one of those posts with only happy stuff because lately I've been way too negative. Some people have whole blogs with just the positive things in their lives. Don't you think they are the same people who put down three of those toilet seat liners before they'll use a public stall and then leave them because they're afraid they'll get germs throwing them away. Wait, that wasn't very postive, but on a cheerful note, they probably won't get hepatitis A.

I like puppies.

Taxes

Sorry I've been away for a while. I was a little out of sorts, but don't worry; it wasn't cholera (or hepatitis). Lately, since it is that time of year again, I've been thinking about the sixteenth amendment to the constitution of the United States. The debates (back in 1913) about whether taxing income was constitutional seem pretty crazy. Today we're debating whether the president has the right to listen to your phone calls and emails without a warrant (he doesn't), but what if income tax was unconstitutional? I'm guessing that they would still find some way to come up with the money for the bogus missile defense system to protect us from the Soviet Union. Why is it that only people who have jobs have to pay taxes? Why is it that only people with money have to pay taxes? If we got rid of all the schools, do you really think that kids would stop learning? I don't think you could kill the American spirit that easily. I guess we need an amendment that gives the president the power to do anything he wants. That would solve everything, right?

(Proposed) Amendment XXVIII: The President shall be able to create, conduct or oversee any program that he sees fit as long as it is described or defined as an issue related or remotely tied to national security.

Wouldn't it be easier if we just took the national debt (~$9 Trillion) divided it equally into every American living today and if they couldn't pay it ($30,000 each), just put it on their credit card, or give them a low interest student loan (8.5%), or maybe even an interest only home equity line of credit for the amount. This would reduce the number of people just having kids to get that tax credit. A household of five would have $150,000 to pay (this year). With kids you would be allowed to defer payment (not interest) until they are old enough to give them incentive to get a job (when they're fourteen). You can tell your child, "If you wait until you're out of college, this thirty grand will turn into sixty grand of debt. Do you really want to be saddled with that burden before you even get a house or start a family? Start paying it down now by working at McDonald's. It's the American way."

Frozen Carrot Teething Rings

Yes. That's what this post is about. Frozen Carrots. We just got back from Disneyland and when I was waiting in line to get a Bratwurst at Pluto's Dog House in Toon Town, the guy next to me just out of the blue tells me that frozen carrots are the best thing for teeting because when they melt, babies can't bite off a piece and choke, but they will get the juices (which help the eyes). I noticed when he asked his family if they wanted chips or fruit with the Brats, they all said chips and he also said that he'd never paid $50 for hot dogs before. I'm thinking that he doesn't get out much.

I don't really like carrots unless they are soaked in butter and cooked for a long time, so I think I'll pass on the teethers.

Veggies

I hate veggies, but I would like to be a vegetarian. I think I would just have to eat green beans, peas and corn. I can sometimes eat carrots if they are soaked in butter and cooked for a long time, but I don't think they have the same nutritional value that way and if you're not being a vegetarian for health reasons, then why would you? I guess there's that cruelty to animals thing, but when you look at a juicy steak, you don't think about a sobbing cow.

Or maybe you should think about a screaming cow. Like they were shoving bamboo shoots underneath the cows fingernails (if they had fingernails). The screaming cows are looking over your shoulder as you eat that ribeye. Every bite into that perfectly marbled Angus prime invokes a whimper from some baby cow as you eat her mother.

Nope. That didn't work. I still don't like veggies.

Cholera

I was going to write something about Cholera, but to respect the 1.3 million people in Latin America that were afflicted in the 1990's (12,000 died), I think I'll talk about something less depressing. Hepatitis on the other hand is (usually) caused by a virus that inflames the liver like you just drank way too much alcohol. Unlike the alcohol method, the virus has no benefits, but if you have to get it, try to get the "A" variety. It's not chronic (as far as we know), and will probably only last a couple of weeks. On the down side, if you got it, you got it from somebody's fecal material. If you don't know what that is, don't look it up.

Try to stay away from the 170 million people (worldwide) who have hepatitis C, but you don't need to stay away from their fecal matter. Actually, it might be a good idea to go ahead and stay away from that too.

Korematsu

This racial profiling is such an insidious thing. I see police pulling over young white males just because they're the most likely speeders on their crotch rockets. Well I'm sick and tired of it. What's next? Internment camps for Christian high school boys because they're likely to burn down churches? Holy God, now I understand what those poor Japanese Americans went through during World War II.

I feel your pain.

Puerile Inanity

Don't you get tired of all these blogs that just have post after post that talk about nothing, or their toothbrush, or how their dog won't piss in the right place, or how hard it was to change that bulb on the freezer, or how their kid's hair is full of tangles and they don't know why, or what should they do with their backyard landscaping, or how many grapes can you fit in your mouth, or what a blah time they've been having lately (LOL!). Holy frikkin' Jesus! Who wants to read all that crap? And I've got a stupid disorder where I have to read it all. Please stop, you're killing me! I haven't slept in 3 weeks and I just keep getting further and further behind. I've got 143,256 blogs that I'm trying to keep up with and some of you just write so much crap that I think I'm going to slash my wrists. Arrrrggh!

You want insipid? I'll show you insipid, or maybe I'll go take a nap.

Gruff Cockersnott

You may think I'm making this up, but I went to school with a guy named Gruff Cockersnott. I think that's Scottish, but anyway, he looked like a little leprechaun with bright red hair and a little green suit. For some reason no one else could see him, but he was always there, just out of sight. If I had eyes in the back of my head, then I could see him following me around, but he always gave me the answers on Algebra tests. He wasn't so good at English or Chemistry though. When he was a sophomore, he met Mandy and after they finally got together (much wooing ensued), he disappeared and I never saw him again. No wait, that was Jeff Brock. Gruff hung around until the end of my Junior year when I was conscripted by that evil virago. I don't remember much of the next two years, but I'm pretty sure that Gruff wasn't around.

Damn you, Gruff!

Wicked Spelling Bee

You know what would be great? A spelling bee where nuns squared off against librarians. Who would win? How many days would this spelling bee last? Could anyone find a word they couldn't spell?

Well it looks like you got your wish. In Kentucky, they decided to go at it. Throw in a little mud and some wet T-shirts and it could get crazy. I wonder if they're going to replay this on ESPN? It would be simply chimopelagic!

Cubicles!

Who invented these crappy things? I'm a professional making over $100K and I sit in a 12x12 cube. I'm not even allowed to put up work stuff on the wall because we're scared that someone will steal our intellectual property. I sit in this dreary little underlighted cube where my neighbors all have meetings either on the phone or in person around me so that I can't even concentrate on my work.


Strange thing is that cubes were born the same year I was born: 1968, and we can all blame Bob Propst for his Action Office. Can we kill him? No, he died in 2000 and didn't even see the American Dream destroyed by the evil Junta that has taken over our country. But if it's any consolation, he was distraught about the "monolithic insanity" that he created in the world. I suppose that we should be happy that we don't live in China and make $2 a week, but really this is just a trend that is pushing us back to the gilded age and further. First it's offices that go, then pensions, then health care, then your job is outsourced and then you work at Wal-Mart.

Remember when we used to work in that huge cube with a computer and everything?

Blogosphere!

Isn't this the coolest blog you've ever seen? I don't have any pictures up here, but with talent like mine, do I really need images? I guess there are a lot of people out there that don't read, but they're probably Republicans and have no sense of humor anyway.

I saw a poll recently that said that Republicans are happier than Democrats. This confirms a theory I've had for years. Finally we have some real evidence: Republicans lie more than Democrats, even in stupid polls asking whether you're happy or not. It's probably one of those deals where they think, "This is my wife trying to see if I'm really happy. Maybe she knows about that affair and this will be a clue. I better say I'm happy." Or maybe it's the Fear of God. "Yes Lord, I'm Happy!" Remember what Bobby said about those funny little clowns. No one knows they're crying and dying on the inside.

Actually, the truth is they probably don't know what it means to be happy, so they think they are. They are Platonically happy like the guys in the cave. They can monkey happy behavior. Add some Paxil and it becomes reality. Yum!

Good Movies

You know some people will talk about movies they like and say, "The dialogue was great. That Tarantino sure does know people," or "That Rambo really kicked some ass. I wanna be him when I grow up", but if you really liked a movie, is it your duty to go out and sell it? They have people who do that for a living. Why do you feel obligated to say, "I really loved that Crash and it had a good message"? Of course you liked it. It didn't have Steve Gutenberg or Ernest in it. James Cameron didn't direct it, and it won Best Picture, so you don't have to tell me it was good.

Wait, didn't one of the Lord of the Rings pictures win best picture? And that Titanic? And Million Dollar Baby? And Gladiator? And Chicago? Are you sure it was good?

Hit Counter

Why am I not getting any hits to my blog? I've had it up almost an hour now and I'm the only one. Are you supposed to advertise somewhere or something? I'm getting pretty tired of looking at that "1" down at the bottom of the page. Please come and read my blog. If you come here and see a number "2" at the bottom, then you are the first person to come here. Doesn't that make you feel special? Doesn't that make you want to come back over and over? You were here at the birth of my blog and you can be the godfather/mother/whatever and watch it grow into something really special. Some day it will go off to college and we will all miss it. I hope it becomes a doctor or a pharmacist. I'm getting old and will probably need both of those soon.

Please visit my blog!

Important Stuff

Some things are more important than others. Like shoes. They're more important than cell phones, but less important than underwear. You may ask, "Why are underwear so important?", but if I have to tell you, then you'd probably never understand.

Shoes on the other hand are tricky things. Sometimes they do what you want, but other times, they act more like underwear. OK, this isn't my best post, but give me a break. It's hard just talking about crap all the time. I wanted to make this a really important post and talk about important stuff, but it always spirals into shoes. What is it about shoes that intrigues me so? Maybe you know.

My computer

I just got a new computer. It has a four 8.6 GHz Xeon II processors with 2GB caches, 200 GB of SSSDRAM (on a 2.5 GHz local bus) and four SCSI (doublewide) 26000 RPM 600 GB drives in RAID arrays. My monitor is a 64" plasma screen and the resolution is 19200x11000 pixels.

MS Word is really fast, but it still takes 12 minutes to boot, and my Excel sheets still only have 256 columns, but my internet download speed is now > 200 Gbps. What the frak is up with that?

Windows

Aren't windows great? At night, they don't work as well, but if you turn the lights off inside, you can still see bright things outside. When the moon is full, they work especially well.

During the day, they are the best thing in the world. Imagine if you didn't have windows. How would you drive your car? You would have to take the bus everywhere and the bus doesn't come to my house. Maybe we could use jetpacks to go everywhere. Now that would be cool. OK, maybe windows aren't so great, but who has a jetpack?

Pizza - Great food, or Greatest food?

You decide. Is pizza the best invention since that X-ray box that let you check if your shoes fit? Actually, pizza was probably invented before that, but you know what I mean.

If only they would make pizza in a pill, then it wouldn't be so messy. That's probably the only advantage of pizza pills though. If they didn't compress them down a whole bunch, then you would have to take about 40 pills for just a single slice, and I'm not sure that it would taste the same in pill form. But you would probably get all the same health benefits from regular pizza and if it didn't taste that great, then you wouldn't be inclined to eat so much.

Ah, pizza; Why do you tempt me so?

Comments...

You guys can feel free to comment on my blog if you want. I welcome any form of criticism because what I would like to do is make myself a better person and I can keep fixing the things that I think are broke forever, but I'm always going to miss the ones that are probably most obvious to everyone else (like you). So comment away. Tell me what I should do to fix myself. Everybody could use a little advice.

Just don't tell me I'm fat or lazy. I don't like that kind of talk and it's really just ad hominem because you can't see me and you probably don't know whether I'm lazy or not. What if I am lazy? Do you really think so? I better go do something productive, or maybe I'll just take a nap.

Thanks for the comments.

Best Blog

Duh! What did you expect? Of course this is the "Best Blog" on the web. If you're looking for something interesting, weird, funny, sad, friendly, cynical, crazy, offensive, or soft and spongy, you're in the right place. What did you think? I'd link you to some place else? I've got you here and I'm going to keep you until you can't find anything new to read, unless of course you are dead or have no sense of humor (those aren't mutually exclusive). Please stay and read the rest of my stuff.

You'll not regret it.