Paragon of wisdom

Why didn't Socrates write anything down? Maybe he didn't have any hands (until later episodes) but he disputedly said, "All I know is I know nothing," and since this doesn't predicate an impotence of conjecture, it has become my mantra. Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho! Now if you believe the gossip (I love that story), he did say he "posesses no knowledge worth speaking of," and ignoring the dangling preposition, this was his canon. Of course the Socrates we know is the archetype of modesty who always questions his position (faith?) not from meek insecurity, but through rational skepticism about his sensory tools and emotional certainty.

If you made it this far through the forest of scary words, the denouement here is we all communicate through a series of inane context-specific shared experiences that never mean the same thing to any two people. Shhh! I'm listening to reason. We're using pop culture sign language as we nod knowingly to each other lost in our own matrix where the connection may or may not be intended. Should we white-water through this framework intuiting some designed import (blue pill), or dissect (wiki) every meaning consciously selecting the most significant path (red pill)? Calling Doctor Bombay, come right away! Medicate this mental melee. --- Did somebody say wish? --- Everybody knows we can choose how we feel.

That's a lie Pee Wee!

A large wooden badger

Do things get stuck in your head? Stuff you could never have any use for is just hanging around in there. It's not even funny or interesting. They're like cobwebs but if you take a broom and brush them away, it somehow reinforces them. If you ignore them, maybe you will forget but then again maybe they are an integral part of your character and when they fade away, you fade with them like Captain Kirk in the Tholian Web. That part of you disappears into an alternate universe. I know this much is true.

It could be a stupid song or a phrase from a movie, or an image from the internet, but just that it attached itself to your mind like a covalent spirit drifting within your event horizon means you have assimilated it into your consciousness. If you purge it now, it may pull away things you cherish along with the expelled mundane like a lobotomy. To live is to accumulate but we still search for the Holy Grail.

I told them we already got one.

Why so serious?

I already did a post about the Joker with the coolest picture of him you'll find anywhere on the (world-wide) web, so I'm not going to talk about Heath Ledger but they really should sign him up for the next two Batman movies regardless of his condition. I was telling a friend that was how Weekend at Bernie's one and two got made. I don't think very many people realized Andrew McCarthy was dead (including the crew) until they were almost through with the third one.

Speaking of dead actors, I hear Robert Downey Jr. has started making movies again. And we all thought canceling Ally McBeal was a good thing. You see, I could skip The Shaggy Dog and The Singing Detective, but now he's branched out into Ben Stiller movies with Steve Coogan so if he pulls a Richard three or a Chaplin performance on this movie I may have to hunt him down myself. Since the previews show him trying to look and act like a black man and failing miserably, I may enjoy this role. I didn't mind the washed up playboy jerk with a substance abuse problem either. It's too bad he had to stop that to make the Ironman movie.

The Summer (movies) of our Discontent

Bangkok Chickboys

Geez, I don't understand why no one is clicking on my Google advertisements. Doesn't anyone want to enter a Cheese Recipe Contest, or go on an 8000m mountain climbing expedition? That's what I get for having posts about Cheese Nips and Sherpas. I should try Lesbians, MILFs and Spice Girls or maybe Lesbian MILF Spice Girl Water Sports and not only would I get more clickable ads, I would also get more traffic from google searchs. I could just be a click conduit for confused teenage boys, or pitiful unimaginative older gentlemen. Or maybe I would catch my wife trying to hit the number one spot for this particular google search.

Take a pinch of white man, wrap him up in black skin ... er, and funny enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time and they just drive away. $5000 for the best macaroni and cheese recipe? How about a freeze dried version we could use for mountain climbing food?

Swallow Your Soul

Do you ever feel like you've painted yourself into a corner and it's turned to red hot magma that will melt your feet if you take three steps over to where your bed is looking so cozy and inviting? Why didn't I wear my asbestos shoes? It seemed like such a good plan when I started, but the flaws become conspicuous now. At first I thought I was surrounded by frickin' idiots too lost in their own trivia to appreciate mine, but maybe nothingness is NOT an acquired taste.

Maybe none of these words really go together. Perhaps it's like Frank Lloyd Wright's prairie period - if Volvo made houses... Or maybe I'm just Stephen Dedalus without an alter-alter ego to rage against. A man of genius makes no mistakes - they're portals of discovery which either makes me Magellan or plainly simple. Simply complex? Conflict! I need more conflict. Maybe some Fleurs du Mal? What is this glory in not being understood? Great men are stupid or maybe just not so great. True greatness comes from de profundis or witty repartee or both simultaneously.

Groovy! (baby?)

A walking contradiction

Isn't it cool that about 4 times a year (today July 12th is one) the sun lines up with the east west streets in Manhattan so you can actually watch the sun set in the middle of 42nd street if you don't mind being run over by Travis Bickle. "I'm just waiting for the sun to shine."

Why won't some guys hold a door open for another guy? Is it the same reason they have to sit with an empty seat between them in a theater? This isn't the same reason you put an empty urinal between you and the next guy. The last time I picked an adjacent one I felt some neighborly spittle rain through the gaps of my sandal and it all suddenly made sense. So if you pick first, how do you keep either side clear? Maybe I should try a mohawk and an army jacket.

You talkin' to me?

One Way Trip to Wonderland

Sometimes it just clicks and you understand exactly why the cheesy 80's love songs were created. It's almost embarrassing, but I guess as long as no one really sees how I feel I can keep my machismo intact. I've had a pocketful of love, but best of all's you.

Our love is invincible, baby!

Appendix: (Lyrics with commentary)

Giant Steps: Another Lover

I've had a pocketful of love in my time (WOW! A whole pocketful of love?)
But the best of all's you (you're the best in my pocket - or maybe since I've come out of the pocket)
I guess we perfected the emotional thing (you guess? the emotional thing? how romantic!)
Just we two (why not 'do do do'?)

I searched all over for the permanent one (the permanent one? Some day I'll find the permanent one!)
And then I found you (but I gave up and settled for you)
Cos' no one's better when the lights go down (which is the most important thing when looking for the permanent one)
And there's just we two (still think 'do do do' works better here)

Chorus:
The world don't need another lover
Now it's got you now it's got me (there's a lover quota and we just filled it)
The world don't need another lover
Cos' our love's more than the whole world needs (this is actually good and makes up for all that other stuff - say this over and over)
Baby

You can't buy passion like it every day (wait a minute, buy? but some days you can?)
From a second hand heart (is my heart second hand or am I buying passion from your second hand heart?)
You just can't separate the meant to be (like peanut butter and jelly)
They can't tear us apart (why do they always want to tear us apart? who are they?)

Girl our love's invincible
I'm so proud with your hand in my hand (proud? - I made a good choice!)
Catch a wind and fly away (why? can't we stay here?)
We're on a one way trip to wonderland (is this like the Michael Jackson wonderland? Maybe I should go...)

Girl our love's invincible
chorus fade

I brake for Jebus

I accidentally went to a blog with a bunch of funny bumper stickers today. My eyes are still burning. What's worse than putting a bumper sticker on your car? Taking a picture of it and putting it on your blog. The only amusing thing about bumper stickers is analyzing the driver's personality through the joke he worships so much he wants to keep telling it over and over until the sun cures the sticky allowing it to flake off like dead skin. My favorite is "Save the Ta-Ta's" which makes people laugh because we are allowed to be crude and derisive as long as we're also being compassionate and charitable. So this guy (maybe that's an unfair gender assumption?) wants you to get exams early and often (he's willing to make free house calls) to improve his statistical opportunity of ogling pleasure. It always feels good to give, right? When his son asks, "Daddy, what's a ta-ta?", he can say, "Son, let me show you the internet..."

In case of rapture my dog will eat your honor student.

The Unkindest Cut

I'm sure we've all imagined being on both sides of that sword Brutus used to extinguish the most glorious luminary. The betrayed path to martyrdom must be appealing since it doesn't require any special skills or an extraordinary body of effort. On the other hand, seeing the surprise as you pierce a vital organ must extort some adrenalin too. I can't even imagine saying something rude to a third string friend so the idea of stabbing them in the back (or front) is foreign to me, but if I were saving the empire from a ruthless maniacal dictator (and Dick Cheney wasn't the vice president), I might consider my friendship a lower priority. Still, how do you repress the love for your friend as his entrails pile up on your shoes?

Et tu friendo?

These are the people in your neighborhood

The Skeezer McWhorington clone living near you may seem like an oddity, but a recent study has shown the Skeez may infest as much as 85% of existing suburban white communities. In the early '80s, this phenomenon was confined to the culturally bankrupt periphery (travel trailer parks or manufactured home communities) where mullets and tube tops were the Dolce and Gabbana of Shady Elms Mobile/RV Rest Area and the likes.

Today, you may not spot the fugly by the freeze spray glazed and teased high volume curl perms, but the skanky stank is still the same. Hoochie is one of the universal constants so keep a sharp eye out. As they pollute the general population, they are adapting and concealing their gross and overt harlotitudes. The only defense is a quick and dirty offense.

Sweep the leg, Johnny!

Hot Muffins!

My wife has a blog! Am I intimidated? God yes! But on the other hand, now it's like I get to read her journal and her email all in one daily blurb. Is it a competition? Well, everything is a competition for me so God yes! It's a competition. I suppose it's not really a competition since I have no readers and she already has about 20.

I would put a link on my blog to her blog, but the only readers I'm going to get are the ones from her blog anyway unless you search for "Frozen Carrot Teething Rings" in quotes like that. I'm assuming that she'll be nice and add a link to my blog from hers. She'll feel obligated if I add one to hers on mine. Especially if I say, "but I added a link to your blog on mine."

Oh man, now I have to think of something to say. What do you guys want to talk about?

I'm back!

Now I can blog from my phone even when I'm sitting in front of my computer, but I have to get a wireless keyboard and mouse for this thing.

I'm gonna need a bigger monitor (boat).

Don't ever get a Samsung Blackjack II. Crap Phone!